How to Ask Better Questions When Helping Someone
Have you ever tried to help someone and felt like your questions weren't getting anywhere?
Perhaps you asked something like, "What's wrong?" and received a one-word answer like, "Nothing." Frustrating, right? But don't worry, there are ways to ask better questions that can help you understand the person's situation and offer more effective support.
In this article, we’ll explore:
How questions can be helpful
Where to focus your questions to be most helpful
Examples of how to change questions to better questions
How Questions Can Be Helpful
Asking questions is a fundamental way to gain information, especially when you're trying to help someone. It can help you get a better understanding of their situation, their feelings, and their thoughts. Additionally, asking questions shows that you're interested in their experience and want to help.
However, not all questions are equally helpful. Open-ended questions tend to be more helpful than closed-ended ones. An open-ended question is one that allows the person to provide a detailed response, while a closed-ended question only requires a yes or no answer. For example, "What's going on?" is an open-ended question, while "Are you upset?" is a closed-ended question.
Where to Focus Your Questions to Help the Person
When trying to help someone, there are several areas you can focus on. These include focusing your questions on the person, present, and problem.
Person Focus
Focusing on the person means asking questions to focus on the person we’re helping. When we focus on the person we're helping, we pay attention to their unique experiences and perceptions of themselves. We ask questions to better understand their identity, values, beliefs, and sense of purpose. This helps us connect with them on a deeper level and get a better idea of what they need from us.
Why do we focus on the person? It's because we want to empower them to make changes in their own life. We need to identify their strengths, resources, and abilities to help them overcome their immediate concerns. By focusing on the person, we can also identify any negative self-talk or self-limiting beliefs that may be holding them back.
It's important to remember that the person we're helping is the expert in their own life. They have a unique perspective and experiences that can inform our helping process. By focusing on the person, we can learn from their lived experiences and better understand how they interpret and respond to their circumstances.
In summary, focusing on the person is the first step towards effective helping. By paying attention to their experiences, we can build a connection, gain insight, and empower them to make positive changes in their own life.
Examples of person-focused questions
Here are some examples of how to shift questions focused on other people to questions focused on the person:
Other People Focus:
"Who do you think is causing you the most stress in your life right now?"
Person Focus:
"How do you feel about the relationships in your life?"
Other People Focus:
"What do you wish your boss would do to make your job easier?"
Person Focus:
"What aspects of your job are most challenging for you?"
Other People Focus:
"What are your parents doing to contribute to the conflict in your family?"
Person Focus:
"How do you feel about the dynamics in your family?"
Other People Focus:
"What do you think your partner should do to improve your relationship?"
Person Focus:
"How do you feel about the state of your relationship?"
By shifting the focus from the actions or behaviors of other people to the person's own feelings and experiences, we can gain a deeper understanding of how they are affected by their situation and what they need to feel supported and empowered to make positive changes.
Present Focus
Focusing on the present means asking questions that help you understand the person's current situation. This can include questions about their job, their living situation, and their health. Asking these types of questions can help you understand what might be causing the person distress and can help you offer more specific support.
When we focus on the present, we're tuning in to what's happening right now, in the moment. We ask questions about the present to gain insight into the person's current situation and understand what they're experiencing at the moment. This helps us offer more effective and targeted support to help them manage their concerns.
By asking present-focused questions, we're also helping the person stay grounded in the present moment. This is important because dwelling on past regrets or worrying about the future can cause unnecessary stress and anxiety. When we're able to stay present, we can focus on taking action in the here and now to improve our situation and feel more in control of our lives.
Examples of present-focused questions
Here are some examples of how you can rephrase questions that focus on the past or future to questions that focus on the present:
Past-focused question:
"What led you to this situation?"
Present-focused question:
"What's happening right now that's making you feel this way?"
Future-focused question:
"What do you hope to achieve in the future?"
Present-focused question:
"What actions can you take today to work towards your goals?"
Past-focused question:
"What happened in your last relationship?"
Present-focused question:
"How are you feeling about your current relationships?"
Future-focused question:
"What do you think will happen if you don't succeed?"
Present-focused question:
"What can you do right now to work towards success?"
Focusing on the present is an important aspect of effective helping. It enables us to gain insight into the person's current situation and helps them stay grounded in the moment. By asking present-focused questions, we can offer more targeted support and help the person take action in the here and now to improve their situation. It's also a way to reduce unnecessary stress and anxiety that may come from dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. By staying present, we can help the person feel more in control of their life and their circumstances.
Problem Focus
Focusing on the problem is about digging deeper and understanding the specific issue that's causing distress or difficulty for the person. By asking questions that explore the problem in-depth, we can help the person gain a clearer understanding of what's happening, what they're feeling, and what they've tried so far to address the issue.
As we focus on the problem, we're not only able to offer more targeted support, but we're also building trust and rapport with the person. We show that we're genuinely interested in understanding their situation and helping them. This can help the person feel heard, validated, and more comfortable opening up to us for support in the future.
Examples of problem-focused questions
To shift questions from other concerns to problem-focused questions, we need to rephrase them in a way that centers on the specific issue the person is facing. Here are some examples:
Other-concern focused question:
"How are you coping with everything going on in your life right now?"
Problem-focused question:
"What is the specific issue that's causing you the most distress or difficulty right now?"
Other-concern focused question:
"What's been bothering you lately?"
Problem-focused question:
"What is the specific problem that's been causing you the most distress lately?"
Other-concern focused question:
"How are things in general?"
Problem-focused question:
"What is the specific issue that you're struggling with at the moment?"
Other-concern focused question:
"What's been on your mind lately?"
Problem-focused question:
"What specific problem is causing you the most difficulty?"
Focusing on the problem can be an effective way to provide targeted support and build trust and rapport with the person. By asking questions that center on the specific issue they're facing, we can help them gain clarity and insight into their situation, and help them identify potential solutions. By rephrasing questions that focus on other concerns, we can shift the conversation to focus on the problem, which can be a powerful tool for offering support and building relationships.
Conclusion
Asking better questions is an important skill to develop if you want to be a better helper to those in need. By focusing your questions on the person, present situation, and problem, you can gain a more comprehensive understanding of the person's situation and help them reflect on their thoughts and feelings. This can help the person gain clarity, identify potential solutions, and feel heard and validated. So next time you are trying to help someone, remember to ask open-ended questions that focus on these areas, and you may be surprised by how much you can help them.
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Disclaimers:
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